Yesterday got rough. Criticism is hard to take. People are hard to be around sometimes. Intentions and motivations are confusing. Even in myself. I’m constantly in a group of people and as someone who needs alone time this can be a huge challenge. Monday I went to a full moon hike with WoA. I was tired from working 10 hours, my back was hurting, but I committed, so I went. What I realized is that I have been drinking or drunk in almost every social situation since I was 13! I have no idea how to interact with people. Laura Mckowen said “It’s like trying to use totally new equipment”. For the record she was talking directly to me. It was an Instagram comment, but still totally counts as a private conversation.
Apparently, I seriously struggle with socializing and need to work on this more. Also, public speaking, but we’ll get to that later. One thing at a time. On Monday I felt hypersensitive to everything around me. Subtle shifts of eyes, annoyed expressions, comments under the breath. It all felt so big and so real. Although, I mentioned to a friend how awkward I felt and she said I seemed totally natural. God, I hope my natural isn’t this awkward.
I am trying to remember that I am using new equipment. I am operating heavy machinery. Luckily, this time I am not going to hurt anyone in the process. I can’t even tell you how many asshole comments I made while drinking. People laughed, they thought it was funny, but I never did. I always felt this horrified pit in my belly after I said something that I could tell cut that person. I know some people pride themselves on their sarcastic humor, but I don’t. Not anymore. I would much rather lift people up and encourage than make them feel small.
Which leads me to yesterday when a heated topic about no shows on WoA facebook group happened. It was all about respecting people’s time and effort into planning adventures and turned into, what I interpreted as, the horrible side of the group. Which would be me. My inability to stay organized, inspire, motivate, and dispel cliques. A comment was made about my “Historically unorganized” group. Holy shit that gutted me. I hear it over and over in my head. “historically unorganized”, “historically unorganized”…… Now, this usually is when I curl up in a ball with a straw in my bottle of vodka. This is when I say fuck it all! I’m closing the group! This is when I disappear.
Some things I’ve learned in this year of no drinking is that I’m fucking stronger than I look. If I can quit drinking, I can do anything. Even get organized. Massive feat, I know! But seriously, it’s not that I’m unorganized, I am just not a detail person. I’m a big picture person. The details are what get in the way to me doing the big picture, but the details matter. They count. They are what other people find important. So what do I do now? Dig fucking deep and organize the details and show them. This is what Iz always tells me, someone doubts you, show them how awesome you are.
This is also where I have to use my new sobriety to fight back. Not at other people but my own internal demons. Using the clarity I have to process all of this in a positive way and let the shit go. Time to play big.