Day 305

After dropping my kid off at his guitar lessons I was driving on to Starbucks to get some work done and NPR had a story on about beer. How beer is in ALL of American history. For some reason I got angry. I was angry that I would never be able to drink a beer without feeling off about it. I’ll never have a normal relationship with alcohol. Not that I ever did but still.

I guess, I’m more angry at myself than anything. Angry for letting alcohol take such a hold on my life. For trusting that booze was making me more fun and helping me to socialize. Booze and I had this agreement, you see. I would drink in moderation and it would make me the life of the party. I never held up my end so it never had to hold up its end. We let each other down.

This last Saturday we went to a friends house for a real life grown up party with a fourth of july playlist and everything. I struggled. It was my first real party with strangers where I was not drinking. I didn’t realize how much I relied on alcohol to help me socialize in these types of moments. I used it to calm the nervousness. Without it I felt like I was standing in front of a crowd naked trying to give a speech. Well, maybe not fully naked. Perhaps I had some fancy fourth of july tassels or something. I was tongue tied and awkward. So flipping nervous that I know I was using snarky comments to try to feel more secure. I am sure no one noticed other than I was the weird one and a little strange, but that’s okay. I’m learning.

I’m quickly moving out of the anger phase, some may call it mood swings but I like to refer to myself as a quick processor of moods, and into a bit of melancholy. I forgot how much it helps to write here. We are down to the final two months of this whole 365 sober experiment. You know, as well as I know, that I’ll never be able to go back to drinking again, and I need to give myself room to mourn that part of my life. I’m giving myself space to think about being sober forever. You can’t go from drinking half a bottle of vodka a night to being “okay” drinking. It will be way too easy to slip back into that habit/problem.

I’ve been thinking about moving this blog over to a new site with a shiny new name after my 365 days. We have a trip to Greece in September to celebrate the year and when I get back I see a new site to go with my new life. I don’t know if I want to be known as the sober girl, but I feel that it’s the perfect way to, not justify, but to show myself that I didn’t’ spend 33 years drinking in an unhealthy way for nothing. If this blog helps one person (and people have told me it has) then all of it was for something.

 

One thought on “Day 305

  1. Haha. (The action shot)

    I had so many agreements with drugs and alcohol too. The big book calls booze the “rapacious creditor” because our agreements are usually a one way deal.

    Something that helped me was a counselor who had me wrote a letter to my old pal alcohol. You’re doing that here in a way. For some reason the format of a “farewell” letter really helped me.

    Woot woot! Sober another day? That’s what’s up!

    Liked by 1 person

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