I do love watching the sober day count go higher and higher, but sometimes the work to stay sober feels heavy and like so much work. I suppose that is life. It’s work. I know that everyone has effortfull days, but I wonder where the effortless days are. Will I ever have one? Will I ever not think about drinking? Will I ever not question my choices in life? My drinking. My parenting. My money management. My choice of breakfast. One of my new year’s resolutions, yes I make them, I love them, was to be more decisive. I want to make a decision and stick to it! I want to put an apostrophe on something and not wonder if I’m fucking using it correctly.
Life is hard, but is it hard because I’m making it harder on myself? Yes. Because life isn’t that hard. Really. We don’t experience life threatening situations every day. We get up. We go to work. We come home. There is food. There is shelter. That is good/bad TV. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t afford anything. I was living behind each paycheck. Playing catchup. Negative bank account. Rent is two weeks late because I couldn’t pay it all out of one check. I couldn’t afford good TV and I could barely afford shelter. I was in my late 30’s and early 40’s at that time. When I looked around and people in their 20’s seemed to have their shit together. What was wrong with me?
A lot of it came down to drinking. I couldn’t afford rent, but I could always afford vodka. I would sometimes put it on a credit card. These are not proud moments for me, but I think they are important to share. Drinking took my ability to make decisions. Drinking stole my self-confidence when it was already shaky. Drinking absorbed all of my free time. When I think about the hours and hours I spent drinking alone at home I have to cringe. It’s totally cringe worthy.
I get messages all the time from people who want to quit drinking. I used to get so wrapped up in it. Writing out long thoughtful messages about how stopping helped me. What I gained from it. All of the time I got back, money I saved, my fucking sanity that returned to me. I don’t do that anymore. I give resources because what I learned was that we all will, or will not, quit drinking on our own time. Nothing I say will help them quit. They have to want it, truly want it, and will have to do it on their own.
Sorry for the abrupt ending….I actually wrote this on day 295 and didn’t finish it so I’m just going to post it so I can move on….Day 300 is coming!