Day 232

Let’s talk money for a minute. Sobriety has brought me riches! Okay, that’s an exaggeration but it has saved us serious amounts of money. Hundreds of dollars a month. Hundreds. When you drink that the level we drank, your tabs, restaurant bills, weekends away, and grocery bills add up fast.

We could talk about the billions of dollars the alcohol industry is making off of keeping us drunk but you should read Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol instead. There is much more information in there than I could ever say here. It’s astounding the money we throw down the drain, literally, by drinking. It’s also astounding that we pay to be assholes. Oh, that’s just me? Okay, moving along…

My money mojo isn’t stellar. I’ve been struggling financially for as long as I could hold a dollar. I am a spender. As soon as I get money, I spend it. I’m sure I could trace it back to some childhood trauma/drama about money, but you know, we become adults fully aware that we have some fucked up shit around money, and we can do something about it. Instead of dwelling on where all of this came from, I’m working on where am I going with it.

Jen Sincero released her next Badass edition You are a Badass at Making Money. I’m only on page 87, but it has already given me a lot to think about. From my fundamental beliefs about “The Universe”, to money.  I have a problem accepting money based on my self worth. There, I said it. I feel like I don’t deserve the money that people pay me. I do this with my photography and with Women on Adventures. I undercharge everything! “You want a photo shoot with 20 people ages 2 to 200 and you want to do in a tiny dark room, and you want to throw in some costumes for fun? Oh, we’re friends, I can’t possibly charge you for that!” Seriously. “What’s that you say? You don’t want to pay the tiny membership fee of $49 FOR A YEAR (less than the cost of a fucking MONTHLY Starbucks coffee) to have a calendar full of adventures that you can pick and choose from AND you are meeting wonderful lifelong friends from the group. Not worth it?” Okay.

I do all of this. I work myself to the bone (I think I messed up that saying) to provide services to people and then I FEEL BAD taking money for it. It doesn’t say anything about the other people. It says everything about me and how I value myself. We all have to pay for things. We have to pay for everything! What we do with our money is up to us and my job is to let go of what other people do with their money. I have to focus on me and my money. I do want to be rich but working as an in house photographer is not going to get me there. It’s safe. It’s fun. But it’s not what I want to do forever.

Money is stressful for me, but Jen is giving me a little reset on the ol money bags mindset and it seems to be working. I’m having AhHa moments every time I pick up the book. I grew up hating rich people because I grew up poor. I remember needing to “borrow” lunches at school because I didn’t have enough on my lunch card. I would borrow so many that when I did finally get a full lunch card I would pay everyone back and end up with none again. Oh snap, credit cards?! I could tell you hundreds of “poor Jenny” stories. Hundreds. I am a middle child after all. I’ve stashed away in my little head all of those poor Jenny’s to last a lifetime.

The timing on this book couldn’t have been more perfect. Post India. Sober. Ready for change. I’m open to what my money potential is now. It feels good to have some perspective on where I was and where I’m going. I still don’t know the end of my story but no one really does. I do know that my story will end with me having money to live my life the way I want and to help others do the same.

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