Day 212

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I’ve been having a hard time coming back here to write about sobriety. India has come and gone, and still I haven’t been back to write. I’m still sober and now officially on the downhill side of my year of sobriety. I haven’t officially said if I will stay sober or start drinking again after the year, but at this seven month mark I am leaning to never again.

This morning Iz and I were talking about heart issues and the link between alcohol. His pacemaker reading this month showed that it is only running .01% of the time. That is the lowest it has been in the two years of him having it. Link between the drinking and the results?

This morning I finally told him how I would wake up in the middle of the night, after having way too many vodka tonics or redbull and vodkas, with my face blanketed in a cold sweat and my heart beating wildly in my chest. Many mornings I woke thinking to myself “oh good, I woke up”.

I would like to say that there were only a handful of mornings when I had that thought, but that would be a lie, it was most mornings. I half expected to die in my sleep the majority of the time, and even then with death breathing down my neck, I didn’t stop drinking. Think about that, even when I thought I was going to die in my sleep, I didn’t stop drinking. That is madness and sadness

I am so incredibly grateful for this year of sobriety. At times it feels like a breeze and other times it is so fucking hard. Feeling everything and not numbing is the hardest thing anyone can do, but it will be the most rewarding. Space has been made for new friendships as the old ones have died out. I am more choosy about my relationships now. I hang out with people who I enjoy their company and it is easier to find those people when I’m more clear about who I am and what I want in my life.

Here is my six month list of awesome things about sobriety:

  1. I never have to worry about driving home after a party.
  2. I never wake up feeling like shit unless I’m sick which I haven’t been since getting sober.
  3. I love experiencing things through sober eyes.
  4. I’m always feeling present in all situations.
  5. My relationship with my kids has never been better.
  6. My relationship with Iz has never been better.
  7. Less anxiety! OMG so much less anxiety.
  8. More self-confidence
  9. I’m funnier and not in a drunk “oh shit, what did I just say” way.
  10. I remember things.
  11. The money saved paid for India.
  12. I’ve lost almost 30 pounds.
  13. I look healthy.
  14. I feel healthy.
  15. I am a more compassionate friend.
  16. My running has improved.
  17. My social life does not revolve around bars and happy hours.
  18. I can handle stress much more effectively.
  19. I can handle life! Not numbing means that I’m able to deal with stress in a healthy way.
  20. Reaching goals is easier with all of the free time.

I love this list. It’s so full of good things. Life is full of good things.

PS I will write about India soon. It was the most important moment in my life (next to my kids being born). I will never be the same after that trip so trying to put something that big into words has been very difficult. I’m still learning from it and feel the changes taking place daily.

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