Day 119

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You want to know how I knew it was time to quit drinking? I got mean. You know the type. The drunk guy at the bar, slumped over his whiskey, being a total asshole to everyone. I was that guy. I wasn’t the cute flirty girl with a glass of wine. I was four double vodka tonics deep and spewing hateful things making people cry.

I knew because I was trying too hard to be funny. I was the only one laughing at my terrible jokes.  I was convincing myself (and IZ) that I was a fun drunk and not the sad pathetic drunk. I knew because I was negotiating with myself every morning about how much I was going to drink that day. Only two doubles tonight. Maybe even none, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. People with a healthy relationship with booze don’t negotiate. They don’t do any of that. I know because I didn’t used to do that, but somewhere in the last couple years I started down that road of ugly drinking and forgot to look back.

Now where am I with my sobriety? I don’t even know. I’m sober for sure. I’m certainly okay! However, I don’t have a sober circle of friends and I think it’s time to work on that. Right now it’s just me and Iz and he doesn’t have the unhealthy relationship with booze that I had. He quit with me, but did he need to? Who knows. I know a few people who got sober since I did but they don’t live close so dinner or coffee is impossible. Lately sobriety is something I would like to talk about but not in a support group way. I’m not there right now.

So what do I need? I feel like I’m making some kind of shift in my life. I’m needing connection with friends. I’m turning back to yoga. Today is my running day and I actually thought more about yoga than running. That hasn’t happened in years. Maybe I’m becoming more reflective and needing to slow down to do some internal work rather than running away from everything. I’ll go with it and do yoga instead of running. I’ll listen to my body and do what it says. Right now it says make some damn friends and do some fucking yoga.

10-4 good buddy. I’m on it.

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