Day 5

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I had a HUGE meltdown today. Stormed out of the house and drove away angry, with my shoes in my hands, not really knowing where to go. I am not a bar person, I prefer to drink alone at home where I can’t get into trouble, but as I drove down the road going to the bar was my first thought. I went to the bookstore instead. I read books about sobriety. Then I went to Arby’s and got an order of mozzarella sticks, and a big Dr. Pepper, and sat in the shopping plaza parking lot eating fried cheese and drinking sugar.

I’ve been sleeping a lot. Sleeping really hard at night, but then needing naps in the afternoon as well. Today I think I slept 2 or 3 hours once I got back home from my tantrum, and I’m still feeling tired now. Last night I had dreams about getting drunk. I was so frustrated with myself in my dream that I started crying saying I would have to start all over again. Four days wasted. Maybe that is what prompted the emotional upheaval of the day. Maybe I’m going to be a hot mess for a long time.

Other than emotional messiness there isn’t that much to tell, so I’ll leave you with photos from our adventures today.

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Axl helping me do yoga this morning. You can’t see here but he has a monkey in his mouth. Not a real one! That would be gross. A stuffed blue one.

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Axl and I on a cool stripey rock up around Payson, AZ. I like the stubborn plant growing in the rock.

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And for your visual pleasure, the tiny toilet by the side of the road. I requested a pants down version but someone was feeling a bit shy today.

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